2 a.m. Confessions

Posted by Minni

It's 2:00 in the morning and I can't sleep. Well, maybe that's an overstatement, perhaps it's just that I don't want to sleep. I want to sit up all night reveling in the wonder of the, you guessed it, Internet. A bonafide cyber scavenger, I am.

Yes, I am an addict, just like you, most likely. I really didn't realize my dependance on this marvelous tool until I no longer had household access to it. That makes sense. We often take for granted that which is most necessary if it is available enough.

This drought lasted a dragging four months. Four months of darting to the library in any window of free time I had during business hours. Four months of paying frequent, "friendly", visits to my unsuspecting, internet hosting friends: "I was just in the area, I missed you! Um, mind if I check my email (aka facebook/myspace/blogspot/gmail/yahoo)?" And four months of sitting in cafes trying to dodge the barista so I didn't have to buy a coffee to jack their wifi signal. And lastly, no more rushing from page to page before the place closes or my friend, hip to my tricks, kicks me out. It's all mine, all day, the world of information and misinformation at my fingertips: and I never have to leave the house.


Armed with a macbook pro and a new Sierrra Aircard, I can march into my future in confidence, rocking the unadulterated 21st century swagger that has permeated my generation: I know everything. Seriously. I have google on my side.

An hour ago I had no idea who Kehinde Wiley was. He was just the name on my favorite piece in the new DIA. Now I can tell you where he was born, where he went to school ...where he is now... And I will. I will, because I can: I'm so cultured, didn't you know? Didn't you know Kehinde Wiley's art comments on the ... Which he is quoted as saying ... And was inspired by.... Goddamnit, no one wants to hear it. I suspect I have wasted a purely good hour of my life. It's unreal.

No, despite all these confessions, I'm not a stalker. Just a lover of information on art, and writing, and botany. And, oh yeah, Barack Obama.

The madness doesn't stop there. I'm not sure where it stops, exactly, nor where it started, now that I think of it. Perhaps it was the first day I embarked on my maiden voyage onto the Internet from my college dorm, who knows. But I do know that since I've had this unlimited access, I've become something of a fiend. I gobble down information like candy and then start to fancy myself an expert, which is dangerous, mostly to myself. I think we've all fallen into the urge to diagnose ourselves online. It starts with an itchy eye. After a few minutes of frantic googling, you're convinced you have methylglutaconicaciduria. Yikes. Better get some help before you die!

Then, after an hour of panic you stop and think and remember something very important. You want to slap yourself in the face: turns out you didn't wash your hands after cooking and you had peppers for dinner!
That makes sense too. Dammit, WebMD, are you trying to give me hyperthyroidism? Wait, do you really think I need to practice psychoneuroimmunology? Is that why does my shoulder hurts? Oh, no! And so on.

But all jokes aside, I really do love the internet. I mean, otherwise, where could I ever find the recipe for Max & Erma's chicken tortilla soup (That's on recipezaar.com, BTW)?. Or how would I know what to do with that slap of whiting in the fridge that I bought on impulse? How could I read about Barack Obama's mom at 3 a.m.? Why is Hilary still talking on the phone at 3 a.m.?

O.K. I digress. I think with all this primary campaigning I've become uber-political. It's sad. That's another thing the Internet will do to you: have you stuck in front of the monitor watching jello commercials in between video clips of campaign updates and interviews when you should be looking for a job so you can pay your huge internet bill. Did I say that? I mean, you know, hypothetically, of course.

Anyway, when all is said and done, I think the Internet has done remarkable things for our society. Let's face it, how we communicate has changed. How we research has changed. How we live has changed, and is still changing because of the Internet. Whether it's news, gossip, education, music, etc., it's all there, for our little gen-y paws grope. We're not gonna buy the sunday paper. We know of a place where we can read it. For free. We're not going to buy music. We know of a place where we can get it. For free. We're not gonna pay attention and be servile to corporate employers. We're gonna shuffle into the office in office in flip flops and design a page layout that will blow your mind. We're not lazy, but we have swagger.

And those are the problems people are having with the Internet today. But don't blame the Internet, folks. If anything, blame yourself for not being adaptable enough. Make the Internet work for you! I do. It gets me free stuff. It gets me free information. It gets me recipes and diagnoses my many illnesses, however fatal. It entertains me at 4 a.m. So now it's time for media, musicians, and whoever else that feels violated by the "age of information" to grab the Internet b the neck and say, "Ante up, BITCH, it's Christmas!"








~MMF