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Fiery Love Triangle Burns in Hell
What are the real motives behind Bush’s brutal “Shock and Awe” campaign in Iraq? Closed sources have confirmed that this is no war for oil, but a passionate battle for affection. It was made apparent Sunday in a exclusive interview with ruler of the underworld Satan Diablo, American dictator George W. Bush (a.k.a G. Dubbs), and Iraqi tyrant Saddam Hussein, that it is lust, not hate, that has spurred this irrational outbreak of bombs in the middle east this spring. Apparently Korean dictator Kim Jung Eil is the forth wheel in this menage-a-trois of world leaders, much to his dismay.
Recently, the trio (G. Dubbs, Hussein, and Satan) was spotted at a hot night club in Mexico shaking their nonexistent asses (though Saddam begs to differ) to Sir Mix-a-Lots ever popular “Baby Got Back”. Says Bush of his Mexican experience, “The only problem I had there was that so many people spoke Mexican!” Yeah, he’s one of ours.
However the events of that night led to a heated quarrel that ended in an uproar of great disaster. The trio caused quite a stir outside of the underworld. Such a stir, it is said to have begun the war that erupted in Iraq earlier this year. It appears the bombs over Baghdad are nothing more then G. Dubbs taking out his pent up frustration on one of his lovers, Iraq’s very own Saddam Hussein.
Says Bush of his irrational attack on Iraq, “The devil made me do it.” Though his friend Satan denies any coursing on his part,
But where is Kim Jung Eil all this time? He is lurking bitterly on the sidelines baring chocolates, roses and nuclear weapons that Satan has chosen to ignore.
When asked to comment on his feelings regarding Satan’s cold shoulder, Jung Eil blurted “He promised I was next. He made me a promise. A promise! But he left me for that shit-for-brains American...Bush.” Jung Eil pauses to control his emotions before continuing.
“Satan Diablo said that if I built up my nuclear weaponry I join the menagerie...or whatever that French word is. But his promises are empty! Empty! Just like his heart.”
However, Diablo denied any allegations of reneging on his part. “Yeahhh...” Satan reminisces, “…I was looking for a quick fling with an imperialist. You know, he’s got those cute little beady eyes...and...ahh... those shoes of his! My my. I was quite swept away when I saw him. But looks aren’t everything you know. I had a crush....” He shrugs carelessly … “it didn’t work out. But anyway...I…um...I’ve found someone new who is more worthy of my lust.”
Inside sources (who will remain nameless) informed the press that this menage-a-trois of world leaders participates in all forms of erotic role playing of which this war is a part. Says Bush of his relationship with Saddam, “I feel the bondage*.”
Sometime in the near future, it appears that Satan is preparing to end his long term relationship with Saddam Hussein and become a one tyrant kinda man. George W. Bush seems to live up to Satan’s high standards and is now the apple of his eye.
Yet things are not looking bright for Satan Diablo. Bush isn’t ready for the commitment. With Saddam Hussein still burning in his heart and mind (if indeed he has either of these organs) it would be hard for him let go of all old emotional ties and settle down. In other words, it would be near impossible for G. Dubbs to carry on a monogamous relationship with Satan. The intense attraction that remains between G. Dubbs and Saddam is obvious from the way they passionately fight one another. It’s their only means of showing affection in these troublesome days of late.
What of Laura Bush you ask? Laura Bush is simply a prop used to deter the public eye from G. Dubbs’ scandalous affairs. But apparently, Laura doesn’t seem to mind. It appears her husband’s warped love life has inspired her to start a raunchy love triangle of her own. She was spotted in Washington earlier this week on the arms of Hillary Rodham Clinton, and her long time partner, Oprah Winfrey. But enough about rich powerful lesbians.
Now, up pops Kim Jung Eil. He set the record straight Monday when he told reporters that his missile was bigger than Bush’s and Satan’s put together. Boasts Jung Eil, “I am very sure my missile would satisfy Satan. All I’m waiting for is a chance to use my goods.”
However, regardless of size, it seems Satan has chosen Bush. Says Satan of his past experience with Hussein, “Saddam wanted to be on top all the time. I prefer a more submissive man who lets me take control.” When our interviewer suggested Al Gore as a possible candidate for a passive partner, Satan laughs, “Ha! Gore? That dipshit is so wishy washy he probably can’t even decide which brand of toilet paper to buy...Charmin or Cottonelle?” Satan rubs his chin thoughtfully. “I choose Charmin. Their television adds are the most offensive.”
“What about Jack Cheraq?” Satan is grimaces in disgust. “Are you kidding? The French haven’t produced anything worth my while since Napoleon...and he was from Corsica! He was a little guy but...mmmmmm...boy oh boy was he good in---Wha....I’m sorry what was the question?”
A little bird told the Tribune Sunday night that Brittish prime minister Tony Blair may be joining the menage. Says Kim Jung Eil of this news, “If there is going to be an addition to this relationship it’s gonna be me!” With that he asks his assistant to put in his *Nsync CD and play their popular song of the same name. The lyrics seem to describe Jung Eil’s situation well. Says Jung Eil, “I have worked hard, hard looooong hours to gain their affection. That frugal bastard better not try to steal my lovers...or else...I’ll whip out my missile! What does Tony have? He’s a level headed, democratically elected leader! He has nothing to do with this! It was enough that that fuckface Bush forced his way into Satan’s love life with that puny crooked Supreme Court ruling thingy. But Blair...he won! Fair and square. Satan is clearly too good for him. This is an outrage!”
Saddam was overcome by emotion when asked to comment on their burning triangle of love. Through tears he told the Capitalist Pig Tribune “My love for Bush is priceless and will burn eternally.... much like my oil fields. But I have to admit: that Kim Jung Eil is looking pretty hot right now. I’d like to strike an agreement with him to combine missile sizes...if you catch my drift. Together we could overthrow the Satan/Bush regime and rule the world... forever!!!!!!” He attempts at an evil deep throated laugh which quickly turns into a pathetic gargle.
When asked for any final comments on the topic, America’s G. W. Bush stars blankly into space. “Don’ mess with Texas,” He chants repeatedly in a trance like state. Though it is hard decipher from the far-way look in his eyes, this comment may be in response to the fast growing campaign geared towards selling the redneck state of Texas to Mexico. The Tribune launching an investigation on the Texico Campaign. $$$
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