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Bitches Be Crazy, Study Finds
WASHINGTON—
Bitches—despite having fat asses and seemingly cool tendencies—be crazy, a Brookings Institute report confirmed Monday. "The words 'down ass chick' evoke this arcane image of a beautiful woman who ain’t trippin’ over bullshit. But think about it, how many of those have you really met? Yes, many women are capable of creating the mirage of a chick thousands of times cooler and more chill than your average hoe, but there's no way you’re going to find that shorty who’s down for whateva," the report read in part, adding that one has to admit that even with all the liberating advancements for women over the years, the fact that men are still being roped into getting married in churches and banquet halls all around the world is "pretty goddamn amazing."
"Brothas still get tricked into thinking they got the one chick that’s cool, but when they wife ‘em up, shit gets flipped,” said Randall Jenkins, Ph.D, leading gender researcher at Oxford University and top proprietor of this revealing study. “The data indicates that men rely on hoes for booty calls and sandwich making. Then hit the club without them every Friday night. The statistics of this study provide concrete evidence that bitches is down until you put a ring in it,” Jenkins added.
The extensive, ground breaking research found that bitches have a fascinatingly large capacity for bullshit until a certain tipping point, where things get serious in their relationship. Once that happens, “it’s a wrap” the study reads.
"Bitches tend to think they can change men," says Vera Bossman, Ph.D, chair of the of women's association and leading female researcher at Mt. Holyoke University. "They set their eyes on a man and go along with his bullshit until he gets hooked and then they start operation build-a-man, much like the bear building phenomena at the mall," Bossman said. Bossman also noted that it's not just in relationships that bitches be crazy. "Women will go to alarmingly great lengths to get what they want, calculating for months in advance at times."
One prominent example comes from page 1227 of the report, which outlines a real-life case of a man and women who decided to move in together. 'Can I borrow your car?' the man asks, and he’s expecting her to say yes because she has let him use her car every day for the past year with no problems. Woman responds, “Nigga, what?! Get ya own car!!!! Triflin ass muthafucka …" She then proceeds to tell him every little thing she hates about his lazy ass, using minute details from something that pissed her off six months ago. I mean, some little shit that apparently her score-keeping ass seems to remember the hell out of but that he forgot about as soon as it happened, the report states.
The report concluded that the mere fact that alcohol, sports bars, and man caves are so popular should be evidence enough of how crazy bitches still be.
-MF
